A Big Dreamer

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Someone asked me this.. " What's so good about climbing? What can climb give you? ". I swear to god I got so agitated. But obviously, I didnt say anything. I just laughed..No point debating with them about rock climbing because it's not their passion. It's NOTHING to them. So if I were to argue back, they won't get it. I might as well keep it to myself..

Alrights, my saturday was okay. Tutoring was cancelled because Ulfah had something on. At 1.45pm, I made my way to J.e. Met haiqal for some rock climbing session at climb lab. The place is still the same but the tiles are all changed. New routes was set up and it was time for us to tryyyyy. HAHA! First was this 6a/6b+ route. It was a lil bit challenging but managed to complete it. :D Next was an unknown grade route but I think it's 6a/6b+ grade. I think! Then on and on and on..Sure, there were some routes which I can't complete. My hand was so pump and I can't grip properly. Sad or whaaaat!! But nevermindddddd.. :) Once done, I made my way to my aunt house. It's just some random visiting my mom and the aunts usually do. hehh!

I'll be having tutoring tomorrow. Should end at 5pm and afterwhich, off to climb asia for another round of climbing! HAHAHA! Just now was top rope, tomorrow, boulder. HAHAHA! Alrights, I wanna sleeeeeep. Gooodnight! :)

8:05 AM
Yours truly.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Finally, I have finalise my module selection for semester 2. I chose Dietary Supplements for my elective module since I am taking Pharmacy Practice for my year 3. So yeah, this will be my modules for the upcoming semester.

Problem 13 starts tomorrow. Promise is a promise. No more coming in late for lesson and pay more attention and attain good grades. :) It's microbiology tomorrow. Will be having lab. tsk! Long pants and shoes.urggghh! I'm a sick kid today. A slight flue but it sure does irritate me alot. =.=!! I'll be fasting for the whole week, excluding Tuesday. :D The girls will be coming over for some baking session and of course, movie marathon. ;) I can't wait! Rc training tomorrow, I am so psyche! Today is suck a boring day. I woke up, watched tv, ate and be a couch potato. I wanted to climb but I don't think my friends would be free since it's FAMILY DAY on sunday. I felt so restless.

Starting from tomorrow, my schedule is very jam pack. Let's see how well I can cope with this new daily routine of my life. :) Nervous and excited! And oh, I have yet to finish my Professional Profilling! Besides that, I have to do research on pharmacy/hospital for the Vietnam trip and I have to submit it on 13th August. Damn, I have so many things to do. Besides, I have to put aside some of my time for my studies..like duhh! I have my UT3 to worry about. Speaking of which, I am finishing the ppt for vietnam trip. WOOHOOOO!!!

Alrightsssss..toodles!

6:08 AM
Yours truly.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I am going to get myself one of these as soon as I get hold of the money. :)

For the first time today, I actually managed to stay rooted for chemistry class. I actually did some research though it's not in depth, but still..I'm doing something. haha!! Faci pay more attention to our team today. hahahaha!!! She kept asking me if I understand this and that. I just nodded. Standarrdddd procedureeee brooo! hahahaha.

Oh yeah, I have came to think of changing my way of lifestyle. Yearp! I don't want to lead a boring lifestyle. Well urm, boring is in the state of mind. It has many definitions but to me, the way I live my current life is somewhat not exciting. :D I want to change the way I dress too. I just want to look simple and presentable. More of like wearing t-shirt with 3/4 giordano pants, with sanuk sandal and The North Face bag. :) Orgasm shitt!! Well, I don't really care what people has got to say about this sudden change in my life. I have my own reasons which only I understand. haha!! I just wanna chill. I don't want to lead a dramatic life.

Do you know what my dream life would be? It would be living in a nomadic lifestyle. I want to sleep on the road, mountain, river or where ever than I can find comfortable with. I want to appreciate life. I want to appreciate the nature. But duhhh!!!! I need to get myself prepared before living life that way. I must be mentally and physically prepared. Well, I may not achieve this dream but at the very least, I dream. :D It's not wrong..right? I mean, isn't cool..to be waking up by the sound of river flowing, wind blowing..just nature music. Awwwwww man! this is the shit! hahahahahaha.... I want to wake up and bathe with the water from the waterfall. WAAAAHHHH!!!!!! I'm dreaming so big..as big as the earth. LOL... I want to be able to do the most dangerous thing on earth and yet feel so satisfied about it...andddd....the bestest thing I could have ever imagine is...

To be able to achieve this dream, with the support from my life partner. Isn't it cool? To be able to share this happiness of yours together with your life partner..waking up together by the sound of mother nature..to go through shit together and still stand up strong..picking up each other when one falls apart..This whole thing is possible you know..it's just so amaziinggggggg.... I mean, my life partner might know that the things I do is going to be dangerous but still, supporting me and respect my decision..ohhh myyyy godddd...It's like a dream come true. And even if I look so muscular and fit, he would still love me for who I am and be proud of me..and that he wouldn't think that I am crazy but instead, he would think that I'm just one passionate person who love to live life differently. WOOWWWWW!!!!!!

Maybe..just maybe this is possible. :) I really hopee.. :)

8:08 AM
Yours truly.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The day started off kinda well. I had my usual dosage of ice horlick. :) Yea yea, RP ice horlick is the sex. hahaha!!! I'm kinda early for school today. haha! It was biochem module. It started off pretty well but as soon as it hit the climax, I gave up. Damn! I gave up too easily. I partial-ed. yadayadayada.. First of all, I felt so demotivated. My group comprise of 4 clever students. They go through the worksheet so fast, I couldn't catch up with them. Second-ly, if I did not partial, I only have limited time spent with rein today. So uhh, it was worth it. :)

I don't know what got into me today. Randomly, I just felt like smoking. HAHA!! I know I know, crazy rightttt. But the good thing was, I didn't. :D I just had the urge to do it but I know I won't do it. It's just a temptation. I can control it. :)

And oh, thanks rein for the meet up. :) I had a great day, of course. Especially the part where I got to disturb youuuuu! fuuuuuuuuh, my favourite. Orgasm shit sia! hahaha!! yea yea, you made my day today and alsoooo..for the rest of the day. ;) Like how I said it, you're the bestest bestfriend I ever have and I can be your bestest bestfriend you'll ever have. ;)

I am pretty much excited for the Vietnam trip on September. It falls on the 2nd week of Hari Raya. I am soooo going to bring along raya cookies to vietnam. Meh kiter raya pat vietnam meh!!! hahahaha!!! Well, it's a study trip. I hope I learn something good there. :)

6:51 AM
Yours truly.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm currently at the library, with Mastura, Shikin and Nazirah. No school for us today but UT later on at 4.30pm. I just had my dosage of rock climbing documentaries. I feel so relax now. :) Mom bought for me quarter pounder before I left for school. It's been quite awhile since I had that. So, yummy-licious. I also brought along some finger food from home. I'm really short of cash now. Parents have yet to know about my missing ez-link card. Should I tell them or should I use my own money to get a new one. The thing is, I lost it and it's my responsibility. I'm sick of using adult fare. eeik!!! I have $60 with me at the moment. Soon, I'll be using $10 for ez-link fare. Then I'm left with $50. Should I make new ez link with that money or ???? tsk, I have no idea. I'm saving for my new rock climbing shoes but I guess I could kiss that goodbye for now :/

I'm craving for famous amos cookie. Should I get myself one later? or should I just control my cravingssssss? hahahaha! Damn it! Why must it be so hard to make a decision when money is the issue? I'm having anatomy ut2 later. I'm not thaaat prepared for the test but my mind is at ease now. :) I did my notes yesterday night and I hope it will helps. :D I still have one and a half hour till ut starts. What shall I do now? Hmmmmm.....I shall continue watching the Kinglines, Chris Sharma. ;)

11:49 PM
Yours truly.

Good evening earthlings. :)

I promised myself not to partial and be late for school starting from problem 13 onwards. Since today is only the problem 12, I partial-ed. HAHA!! But, I was not late for school. It's microbiology module today. Problem statement was a little bit confusing to me. I got so agitated today. I was rather quiet and it suck. So the girls and myself partial ourself from lesson. :) We headed down to causeway banquet and had our lunch there. We had a great talk, about so many things. Some were funny I tell you. ;) Once done, went over to Mc D and had our desserts. ICE CREEEEAAAAMMMM!!!! :D As usual, I didn't get to finish the mix & match ice cream. nyehahaha! I wasted $2.70 of my money okayyyy. =.=

Oh, I was heading back home when I saw this particular person. Honestly, I feel like ignoring that person, but to no avail. That person came to me. =.=! Irrits! In my heart, I was uttering this " hehh! kawan mcm dekni mintak kene suluh sia. prangai mcm s*&**!!! ". But neverrrrrmind. Being nice to a person whom you have issue with is a true potential. :)

Seriously, life has been so unpredictable lately. I hate it, I swear. And oh, I'll be having photoshoot this coming saturday. I am sooo looking forward to it okay. :):):) Also, I've made up my mind to tutor my cousin every saturday and sunday. 12-2pm on Saturday and 7.30-9.30pm on Sunday. Ooooohhhh, I'll be very busy busy like a bee soooooon. Me kinda like it. New life uhh. ;) Ok ok, am starting tutoring athir reaaaal sooon. gtggggg peopleee....

3:58 AM
Yours truly.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Love is something that is not easily explained
No one word can express it
And no one person feels the same about it
It’s waking up in the morning wanting to be with that one person
And going to bed feeling the same way
It’s knowing that you want to spend the rest of your life with him
And it’s a feeling so great that no matter what anyone says will never be taken away
It’s crying every night when the one you love doesn’t love you back
It’s feeling that pain in your heart when you lose that one person.
But to just hear those three little words come from his mouth
And actually know he means it
That’s the best feeling in the world
To know that someone loves you for you
And wants to be with you forever
Love is hard to find, and even harder to keep
It takes time and effort to keep it going
But you don’t mind because you would do anything in the world to keep it
It’s knowing that when you come home you’ll have someone to share your day with
It’s that last conversation of the night before you fall asleep
He’s the first one you want when you wake up
The only thing that’s on your mind all day, every day
It’s knowing that someone’s always there for you to cry on
Someone’s always there for you to talk to about anything
And won’t judge you for that
It’s the person you feel the most comfortable with in the world
And to know that you have that
That you share that special bond with one other person
That’s the best feeling in the world.
But when you lose that feeling
When you lose the only thing that ever mattered to you
It seems like life has no purpose, no point at all
You feel like you could just curl up and die
That nothing or no one else matters to you
And the only thing that you’ve ever wanted is now gone
And you will do anything to get him back,
Because he’s worth it
You’ll try and try until one day you realize
That things will never be the same again.
Your love is still there, deep inside of you
you try your best to just be friends,
And it works for a while
But the feelings are still there
And no matter how hard you try friend will never be good enough
So you want to forget about him, but that’s even harder
There’s too many memories, to many good times to just forget
And no matter what you do, he’s always there
Everywhere you look, everything you do, every place you go,
Every song you hear, every guy you see
Reminds you of him
And you hope some day you’ll be back together
But until then there’s nothing you can do
But sit and cry, to go through that pain when he talks about
Another girl he likes, or how good his life is going
And that pain breaks your heart day after day
Tear after tear, until you have no mores tears to cry
Until you just get used to that hole in your heart that won’t go away,
That pain that never leaves you
That lonely feeling that stays with you forever
And you may have other guys, but nothing or no one could ever compare, and you know that.

8:10 AM
Yours truly.

Losing someone who meant the whole world to you isn't as easy as how it seems. At some point, you think that you are able to go on with life without them but at another point of your life, you miss them so terrible that you wish you could rewind back the time.

I'm moving on slowly. Sometimes I'm strong, sometimes I'm not. I'm just human. I still think of you every now and then. Would you think of me too? Sometimes I think this is unfair. A girl like me don't deserve this. BUT on a higher note, everything happens for a reason. I don't know how you feel out there.

Life sure does going to be different after this. Back then, we used to do everything together. Just name it, been there and done that. Shop, Study, Cry, Laugh, Angry..anything. It feels like I have lost a bestfriend now. No one to talk to, no one to share with, no one to laugh with. I feel awkward and weird. I feel strange because everything is completely different now. I've lost a person who is like a bestfriend to me & I'm definitely tearing while typing this * wiping off my tears. Now I'm wondering, what are you doing out there? Are you thinking of me like how I am thinking of you? Hmmmmm...it's just weird, very weird.

I know I can't depend on you anymore. Because if I do, I'm just going to hurt myself more. If we ever befriend with each other again, things are not going to be the same. The laughter we used to share is not the same, definitely. Feelings fade. Are yours fading? Each time I take out my handphone to text you, I'll end up not texting you and each time I dial your number, I'll end up hanging up. Because I am afraid. I am so afraid now..afraid of falling in love.

And oh, if you are reading this..I hope you are doing good out there. :) I'm sure you are still stressing up about your bike license. Once you're done with it, you are freeeeeeeee! hahaha. I hope life's been very good to you. Even if it's not, I know you are strong. Work hard, study hard. :)

Alrights, for now, I am thinking of keeping myself busy. And I mean, VERY BUSY! Cousin Ulfah has been begging me to come back and tutor her. Well, I have saturday and sunday. I am thinking of tutoring her on saturday and sunday. Besides, I really have no plan on weekends. So lets see.. mon (training), tuesday (tutoring), wednesday (training), thursday (tutoring), friday (training), saturday (tutoring), sunday (tutoring). SUPERB!!!!! I can still have time for my studies. :):):) Ok go ahhh! This is going to be my schedule till god knows when. :D Yes, it's going to be damn hectic but this is the only way for me to move on and not feel so sad and stress up. The more I keep myself busy, the lesser I feel sad. I hope. :) haisss.... ok ok. Don't whineee...not good! Must smile moreeeee :):):):):)

"Why does my heart hurt so much. It's feels like it has been ripped off."

I miss those blue eyes

How you kiss me at night

I miss the way we sleep,

Like there's no sunrise

Like the taste of your smile

I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you

What I should have said

No I never told you,

I just held it in

And now, I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

And after all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you, without you...

I see your blue eyes

Everytime I close mine

You make it hard to see

Where I belong to

When I'm not around you

It's like I'm alone with me....

4:57 AM
Yours truly.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Life sure does hit you hard when it really want to hit you hard. When it does, all things seem so wrong. Even the good one turns out to be ugly. Is this really how life is? Or is it really up to us to define life. Life, life and life. There's more to life than just to think about it. yea? I believe so.

Is life really about being headstrong and happy? Is life really about love? I fall in love with this quotation " Concentrate on what you have, you'll be happy. If you concentrate on the things you don't have, nothing seems enough ". I truly agree with it. I'd rather to have you as a friend than to lose everything. Again, I stress myself on this.. Life isn't only about happiness. It's about sorrowness too. Everything comes in pair, most things do. Eyes comes in pair, ears, socks, hands, legs and so much more. Why? Because we need another person/thing to complete our life. Alone is never complete. Ask the single teenagers or unmarried woman/man, whether or not they feel complete. I think, they would probably say no. Their life isn't complete w/o a husband,wife, family,friends or lovers. Then why again god create LOVE? For fun? For the sake of it? No. God creates it for a purpose. What's your purpose in life?? I have my purpose. You people should have it too. :)

I never thought I would be so drained on love. It sure does made it's impact on me. I'm not going in for another round of love. Enough is enough. The time will come. When the time come, I know it is time.

For now, it's time to step out from my comfort zone. Life's too short to stay sad for too long. I don't want to waste a day of my life being so fcuking emo. I can do better. :) I have so many things that I want to accomplish before my body restrict myself from doing so. So many dangerous things. haha! My danger is crazy to you people, but comfort and happiness to me. Sounds crazy? Yeah, I don't give a shit. People live, people die. It's up to the individual how they want to live their life. I don't want to live it with too many restrictions on myself. I want challenges. I want test. That's the only way to push yourself. I want to dream big, as big as the earth. By 23, I want to travel and own a car license. By 24, I want to climb the most interesting narutal wall on earth. By 21, I want to graduate from polytechnic. By 20, I want to join as many rock climbing competition as I can. By 25, I want to find a soulmate and by 26, I want to settle down and have my own family. Sure, some might not come true. But at the very least, I dream big. I have goals. And when I have my own family in the future, I am going to pass down this crazy passionate genes to my daughter/son. HAHA! :):):) And they'll be just like me. Not totally like me, duhh!!!

Let's just concentrate on how I want to live my life in this 19th years of my life. wooooo! Very interesting. And oh, let's now worry how the hell am I going to get an adoption for this cute little kitten of mine? Any takersssss?!?!?!?!?!?! hahahaha....The kitten is very cute though. The kitten is happily lying on my bed, making it as if it's hers. HAHAHA!!! yes yes, and my beloved cici merajok with us lor. Tak nak makan smuer. tsk! ngader ngader punyer kucing! cheeeeet!!!!!

My love is only for 1 man. & he is out there..somewhere.

8:14 AM
Yours truly.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Today I was awaken by Ibu. She woke me up for sahur but I told her I'm not fasting today since I'll be having understand test right after school. I need energy for that. :) I fell to sleep again and was awaken by ayah's voice. " Bangon bangon..solat subuh ". I woke up, bathed and got changed. Guess what? I forgot to pray. =.= Ayah has been sending me to yew tee mrt this past few weeks. Me likey! :):):) I reached school, with a heavy heart. I did not do any revision at all for the understanding test. Not even a little peep to the 6p. tsk! I had this urge to partial and joined aishah and sha at the library. I wanted to do so, but I changed my mind. I glued my butt to the chair and tried searching for some resources for the presentation later on. I really couldn't stand it. I was at the verge of giving up and just packed my bag and off to somewhere where I can just screaaaaaaaam and feel calm. My head was bombed with so many questions. why this? why that? why not this? why not that? As usual, I felt so emo today. My friends caught me. damn! I thought I could masquerade everything. tsk!

I called rein, hoping I could meet him before I sat for my ut. But he doesn't allow me to do so. He asked me to sit in class and study. I felt so freaking sad but to think of it again, he has the point. It was good for me. :) Then, I felt so agitated. No specific reason why but I just did. So, I borrowed earpiece from shikin, plucked my ears and watched the rock climbing documentaries, DOSAGE. :) For once, I felt so calm and normal again. See! Told ya rock climbing never fails to make my day. :):):)

It has always been about sadness for the past few weeks. Syahirah, will you smile? The question is, how to? When everything in your life seems so complicated and messed up. I hate the situation I am in right now. I hate being single. I swear to god I hate it alot! Some say, you stay single to mingle so that you can find the right person. fuck it! It's all up to the individual. I would rather be in a r/s, stay faithful with just 1 guy, go through thick and thin together, happy and cry together rather than to mingle with so many people and feels so tak tentu arah. I seriously hate it. But with whom can I be faithful with? Things are still complicated as how it is. I miss you, so teribly. Mohd Shahrin Bin Md Ali. I miss you so much. I miss those nonsensical times we had. I miss digging your ear and you would go laughing because it's ticklish. Then, I would laughed at you and goes " eeeewww...tengok taik telinger u ". haha! I never thought that looking back at those happy moments can make me cry. :/ I miss you, can I? And I still love you. Always have and always will. I miss you, so dearly.

I need you back in my life.

7:52 AM
Yours truly.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Meet Chris Sharm, the world class rock climber around the world. If I were to encounter a shooting star, he is going to be my wish. :):):)

And please, do meet my dream rock climbing shoe. Brand, Evolv. Specially customize by me. Whether or not I am going to get this, this shoe is still going to be my dream shoe. :):):)

Life's on a rocky road right now, really. My performance on school is depleting. I have no idea how to get back up at this moment. I have nothing on my mind right now, except rock climbing. I dreamt about climbing the natural wall yesterday night. I have 7 rock climbing documentaries on my laptop. When I climb, I feel so relax. I don't feel the pressure from school, parents and some other personal things. When I climb, all I think about is to reach the top. Nothing else. I still have a long way to go. I've yet to train hard. It's saddening that we don't have a proper walls at school. I wonder how we are going to get stronger. Everyday, same wall. I mean, straight walls. Too small, too crowded. Climbers are dying to climb, big competition on the walls. Nah, not good. I know this is crazy but I'm thinking of climbing regularly at Climb Asia. I believe I can improve better when I climb there. I went there yesterday with Jabir and Joshua. I met coach. She's at the level 1 boulder wall. She gave us some routes and I can even complete any of them. Why? Because it's a vertical/slanted wall. I need extra hand/finger power/grip there. This shows that I am not strong enough. I have a lot to do. :) Besides climbing, I have to enhance on conditioning/physical too. It's just that, I have no partner to do so. That's quite sad because not all my friends are so serious about rock climbing like I do. I'm just a newbie on this. I need a person who is dying to be a better climber but at the same time, be humble about it.

For now, I just want to focus on 3 things. Studies, Rock climbing and $$$! It's easy said than done. But I can try and it's possible. It is POSSIBLE. Alright, till here. :)

7:15 AM
Yours truly.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Love/Life is very complicated, indeed. When you like someone, either they like you back ar they are not interested at you. When you love someone, either they don't love you or love you lesser than you do. Life's not perfect. It is something sacred, especially love. Speaking of love, everyone knows it. Be it well or not. I don't know if I know love very well but what I do know is that, when I love a person, I will give my best for the relationship. Now tell me, when is the perfect time to fall in love. Famous quotations by the parents " sekarang belajar dulu, jangan nak matair2 ". But really, can we control love? Can we predict when the cupid arrow is going to hit us? Can we? I don't think so. What we can do is to fall in love, be happy, get heartbroken, stand up strong again and learn from the previous mistakes. It is easy said than done, but it is still possible. :):)

I just looked through some of my coach boulder video. It was awesome. She is very strong okay! Sometimes I wonder, how can she be that strong. Yesterday while doing conditioning, beat introduced us to the 7 ways of using a monkey bar. Damn it is so amazing and useful for us climbers. I am dying to try it okay.

I wanna be the best.

10:49 PM
Yours truly.