I couldn't trust anybody else except you. People can say that there might be someone out there who will loves me more but they don't know what they're talking. How do they know that there'll be someone out there who will love me more? pfft! Stupid! I trust it god. Everyday I pray that god will open your heart back. Everyday I pray that your health is in good condition. Everyday I pray that your family stays happy and healthy. I'm not kidding. And I know god will answer my prayers because I believe in him. It's just a matter of time. :)

Boys are starting to text me once they find out about my facebook status. But urgh, it disgust me. I still feel that you and me are in a relationship. No, I don't want to be with someone else except you. Because you know me. Because I could only trust you. Because I know you trust me. Because I know that you're still the one. Yes, I have this feeling that he's the right one for me.

I miss him. :(

God, I'll wait.. patiently. I just don't want to live my life without him. I swear I don't. I know he will change for the better. I have faith in him. I believe in him.

Of all those things he had said and done to me. I couldn't see the reason why I have to hate him. I could still feel the love for him. They might say I don't love him and it is just tht the memories made me like this. No friend, it isn't about the memories. It's about the love I have for him. That unconditional love. I still want him back in my life. I want to hug him. I want him to be the person I give my love to. I don't want anyone else, except for him.

Yes, he asked me why I didn't even feel angry nor hatred towards him. My dear, I love you. Despite of all the things tht you did to me.. despite of all the countless heartaches, my heart still go for you. I couldn't find any reason why I have to hate you. Because deep down, I know you weren't yourself when you ditched me the other day.. I know you lost your mind when you discriminated me. I swallowed everything dear. Everything. It tasted so bitter but the love I have for you made it so easy to swallow. I don't hate you. I will never. I am just sad. I am just sad that the person I love most did this to me. I couldn't hate you. I can never.

My dear, no matter how much you hurt me.. I still love you. I don't care if you can't say you love me first. I don't care if you can't text or call me first. I don't care if you can't be with me 24/7, I don't care if you lie to me. I don't care at all. Because if someone loves someone so much, this thing wouldn't be much of a problem. Maybe you can't make the first move because you're born like that. Maybe because the only thing tht is important to you is tht you know you love me. You can't be with me 24/7 because I know you have your own life to live. I know you lied to me maybe because you want to take care of my feelings.. maybe because you don't want to worry me or maybe you don't want to hurt me. I understand all that. I know why u became like this. I simply know why..... but I keep it all with me. And because I love you for who you are.

Ppl might say you don't deserve me but I'll always think the opposite way. I believe you deserve me. I know you are. It's just that you can't appreciate me yet.. or maybe you just can't see it.. or maybe you're scared..you're scared if the history repeat again. You don't want to give in to relationship anymore because in your previous relationship, you've given in too many times and it hurts you. I know why you don't treat me well.. maybe because you treated your ex too well and loved her like you've never loved someone before and it hurts you. Thats why you don't want to shower me your love because you don't want to get hurt again.. I know why you can't give your attention to me.. because in your previous relationships.. you gave all your attention to her till you can't have your own time for life, friends and families. You just don't want history to repeat again because you got hurt so badly. Bby, don't be blinded by all that.

But bby, ain't I different? The moment you pushed me.. I told myself this. The difference between him pushing me and him pushing her is.... He pushed me when I hugged and kissed him.. When I wanted to tell him don't go.. and when I wanted to say how much I loved him. He pushed her maybe because she wants to scratch him or beat him. Bby, can you see the difference now?

It hurts me deep not being able to talk to you. It cut me deep not being able to hold you and love you. You've made me a part of your life. Your family treated me so well. I've made you a part of my life. I really hope you could see that.

I don't mind going through shit with you.. I don't mind.

And I know why you are like this. I know why you don't want to show tht you're weak. Because after your previous relationship, you've learnt not to show any sign of weaknesses. You've learnt to be strong. But bby, you perception of strong is wrong. Bby, please believe me when I say I know you very well. You previous relationship has left you a scar on your heart. I understand tht dear. I truly understand it.

But dear, couldn't you see tht we're different? That our relationship now is different from your previous one. Your previous relationship is filled with hatred. She called you names.. she doesn't trust you.. she controlled you.. she couldn't understand you.. She called you names and she doesn't respect you.

Bby, our relationship is filled with so much of love and tender. Couldn't you feel that? Maybe you lost the view, but I haven't. I didn't called you names, I repect you, I trust you, I didn't control you, I understand you and I love you like I've never love someone before. Couldn't you see that bby???

bby, don't look at me as a girl who don't have pride and respect. You might be thinking why I still say imy when you've already hurt me..bby lets put it this way. I don't hold on to grudges because it leads me to no where.. and I see no wrong of telling the one I love that I truly miss them.

Bby dont say that Im too good for you because we're even.

Bby, I know why it is hard for you to say that you regretted for all your wrong doings and that you still want me in your life.. u just don't want to say it because if you say it, you think that you've given me all the power to bring you down.. maybe because you think you have lost the battle and man shouldn't lose the game. But bby dear, our love is never a game. Nvr bby, never.

Bby, dont see me as a hard headed person. It's just that, I hate to give up on people that I truly love. Bby look at me positively.

Bby don't feel stupid/idiot or pathetic after what you've done to me. I will always forgive you, I will. Bby lets learn from our mistakes shall we? Let's build sandcastles together, let's laugh and cry together.. let's go tru shit together because trust me... it's worth it. Because I've never taken you for granted. I've always cherish you..always.

Bby..change your perception towards love. Change your perception towards relationship..Change your perception towards me..Only then, we can be together happily. I'm all set and ready. I've always wipe those blood stains and wait for you to take my hand and ride together.

Bby.. lets crawl till we can walk again, and then we'll run till we're strong enough to jump and then we'll fly until there is no end.

Bby....I love you so very much.

Faci is blabbering about the 6p while I'm here thinking...

Friends and strangers around me. Mostly, my age. I've seen most with the money, splendid camera, smart brains, easy life, great clothes, great pay, car, license, motorbike. Sometimes I wonder, why my life couldn't be like theirs. So that I won't have to save my school pocket money just for the weekends. I mean hey, pocket money is for food in school and it's suppose to feed me when I'm hungry. But I have to ignore the hunger because if I spend it, there will be no weekends for me. Suck isn't it?

I've seen friends around me who managed to juggle work and school. And when they work, they got pay which is equivalent to money and when money comes in, they can do whatever they want. They can buy all those things that they want and they can achieve whatever that they want to achieve.... with their own money. They don't need to hesitate when friends ask them out or they don't even have to think twice whether or not they should go out and shop, or simply just a casual date with their bf'gf. I'm jealouse, of course.

THEY have a great life, duhh!!! I see smile on their face and I see happiness in their life. But I got confused with the phrase " money can't buy you happiness ". Then tell me, what's the exact thing in life that could buy all of us happiness?? Money is of course the factor of happiness, right? I mean without $$$, you won't be able to do those fun things that might bring happiness to our lives. hmm... there goes my dilemma. haha!

But then, I looked again at my life. I have a great family.. I have splendid friends.. I have wonderful boyfriend..I have a house to live and at least, I have school pocket money to support myself.

So, I told myself.. " Girl, your perspective towards life SUCK ".

To hell with the jealousy that I had towards all those people with easy life. My life could be hard but atleast I have a life. I started to learn that each and everyone's path in life is different and I can't compare them with mine. It's not fair for me, my soul and my life. I need to appreciate the things and people that I have with me. I don't have to stress myself thinking about money. No, I don't.

In conclusion, I might see happiness in their life but I blindfold myself from the happiness of my life. My happiness is actually there, right infront of me. Money isn't everything because money is just the pieces of puzzles in my life.

And again I tell myself " change your perspective of life and you'll find happiness. You'll find your pursuit of happiness. "

Sweet text were send to each other stating how excited we were to meet or how we missed each other. But honestly, I never felt it. Because I know those were just words and his our words will always stays as words. but I told myself to be positive this time. Who knows, those words were put into action. So, I put those words to a test. ;)

We met. The moment I met him, I felt pain. I dont know why. When I looked at him, I saw a liar, I saw dissapointment, I saw boredom, I saw dishonesty, I saw sadness and I saw failure and blunders. :( I couldn't be myself. I couldn't be the usual me. I kept quiet because I don't feel like talking. So there goes my instinct, it's always right. Our words are just pure words. Told ya! I don't know why I can't talk to him like how I used to. I tried, but I can't. Whenever I tried to talk to him, I saw irritation. Irritation tht will come from him. I saw unsincerity. hais.. this is what happen when couples got into a fight so often. :(

To be honest, I couldn't believe him like how I used to. I see him as a normal boy who wants to enjoy life. All the unexpected were shown and I got blown up. This is what happened when he lied to me too much and when I got hurt too many times. :( Honestly, I gave up on him. Im tired of fighting.

So, I stayed quiet all the way. I can't communicate with him. I just can't. hais..I wanted to but I just can't! :( urghhh... but than, things get better when Im about to go home. but still, hais.

You, yeah you Shahrin. I don't know what is going to happen to us. I guess this is a test from god because he knows we always managed to handle it. I hope we stay strong like how we are right now. I don't want to lose you yet. Infact, I never want to lose you. You might lost your spark but I still do believe tht you're special.

xoxo, S.

Well you can say that you will be there for me through thick and thin. But that are just words and words are not enough.

The problem is,
1) I called you in the morning to wake you up. That is the only time I hear your voice.
2) you texted me when you're out of the house, it depends.
3) you texted me after school just to say tht you're done, then ask me have i eaten and then tht's it.
4) you'll nvr text me after that. busy with what, I also don't know.
5) at times, you asked me what im doing. thts all
6) Im not happy but you are
7) you're happy because your happiness isn't me, its your friends.
8) But for me, my happpiness = you. But I know it can no longer be achieved.

tell me, where's the communication. You say those were just minor problems that I shouldn't be bragging bout. Tell you what, all of those minor problems are piled up tp become a major problems. Those minor problems were equivalent to communications and when there's no communication in a relationship, it is as good as nothing. Understand? Maybe your mindset about relationship is simple, too simple. Because you said as long as i love you and you love me, nothing else matters. Well scientifically, that isn't 100% true. Im not following by the book and never say that I always follow by the book. What about you?

I feel like letting us go. I've had enough of dissapointments and hopes. Currently, I don't feel the love. People say long term relationships are prone to this kind of problem but than again, why couldn't we prevent it? It suck, I swear. Everything seems so simple for you huh. When I say Im hurt or you;re this and that, your solution is always break up because you could never give me happiness anymore. You're ignorant. I can't wait forever.

You always say tht you're a fcuking 18 year old BOY. An 18 year old boy who wants to enjoy life, a period of life when you become the devil and so on. Well, I am trying so hard to accept it. Im trying my best to understand that you're 18, not 25. You're not a man, you're just a boy. But have you ever think, that Im still a fcuking 18 year old GIRL too? You said you don't want me to understand you but when I pick on you for certain reason just because I couldnt understand why, you throw tantrums at me. You ignore me, you scold badwords at me, you pretend nothing is happening. why? because you want to be happy and you don't want to stress so much over it. right? but have you ever think a about my happiness? Boy, you're not being fair to me. Don't blame me for that. You yourself don't want me to understand you. Am I right?

I want to let you go but I know tht Im going to miss you. Infact, I've already missed you for such a long time, eversince you changed. Indirectly, you want me to understand your situation. Indirectly, you want me to understand everything. I'm not a god and I can't understand EVERYTHING! understand?

People say " why must you let go of that someone when you love them? ". Yes, I believe thts true. But to think of it again, why must you stay when you feel hurt too much? when you know things will remain the same, when you don't get enough love. When you know that the only person who is serious about the relationship is non other than yourself. Think about it.

Yes, I feel like letting us go. But Im still holding on. Yes, I love you and I can't deny it. But Im hurt, hurt too much. I don't even know which is better. I wouldn't know which would be happier. To leave you or not to leave you. If I leave, I wouldn't be happy. If I don't leave, you'll still continue to hurt me without you realising it. HOW LAH FCUK?!?!?!?!

Haiz. It's natural if I get angry when you do something tht I don't like. It's natural if I get moody. It's natural if I feel jealous. It's natural if I think you're spending most of your time with friends. It's fcukign NATURAL. And who can fight nature you tell me?!?! Yes, god gives us brain and you should tell yourself tht too! Not only me. get it?!?!?!?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Im getting sobber as days passed sia. :(

BUt whatever it is, life has to go on. Yes, I am broken but I still have to say " It's alright, it's okay! ". I'm so much better without you!

I'm struggling. I'm struggling with school life. I am becoming lazy to go to school. I hate school. I hate the environment. I always feel sleepy when Im in class. I don't like my friend especially Lina. eeeik! Science are getting tougher by the day. Calculations start to come in for chemistry. Complexity starts to be visible for biology. Physics and Mathematics are never in my heart while cognitive is just a waste of time. haizzz....I've lost that passion I once had. I drag my feet to school and it's hard for me to focus. I hate it when Im like this. I can't control myself. I always give in to my "devil" side. I fcuking hate it!!!! And now, Im lazy to mug for my UT 1. seriously, LAZY! =.= aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!

Put that aside. I feel lone, most of the time. It's not that I don't have friends at all..Infact, I have a lot of friends. It's just that, I have changed.  My perception of friends or friendship has changed. The surrounding has changed too. Hang out friends are now busy with their own life. I am not comfortable with new friends because I just can't click. I mean, I can joke and have fun with them but I don't feel comfortable hanging out with them. Moreover, I think it's such a waste of time hanging out everyday with someone I am not comfortable with. I want to be happy, that's all. Now, I prefer to do things alone. I walk to school alone and I don't like to go school with friends. Why? because 1st, I want to enjoy the morning with only myself, surrounding and nature, 2nd, malas nak bobual ngn diorg, 3rd..malas nak dgr criter diorg..4th, malas nk tunggu diorg because I am never late. And in class, I am always quiet and timid and I seldom be very loud. I just think that being loud might just turn people off. I don't wanna be label as the " wanna be cool kid " in school. No way! I want to be the laid back girl. :) Zaman biler nak fanatic2 ngn baju smuer kan? Bukan mcm si Lina tu..step habes. menyampah and meluat siak aku tgk. pui!!!!

I feel lonely maybe because Im so use to have a fun life back then. I used to go out everyday with friends back then but when things change, I struggled to adapt to the situation. That is why I feel lonely.

Human lives and human also die. It is always heart throbing to see the one you love go, especially your parents.

Some lost theirs and regretted for not cherishing those moments they had while some still taking their parents for advantage. Well, this is what I call LIFE. We'll never appreciate them until they leave from this humble world. I always wonder..what if my parents were to go one day? Would I be able to keep myself strong and lead life normally or whould I be depressing about the loss. I'm scared. I'm scared to face that. For what I know, I love my parents..so much but I couldn't show it to them how much I love them. :(

Witnessing cousin losing his beloved mom were never easy. I feel him. But today, Kak zelah's mom passed away. A shocked one. Her mom passed away in just a blink of an eye. Bf, myself and abg izuan were at bf's crib. I was cooking while bf and abg izuan were playing games. Suddenly, Kak zelah called abg izuan stating that her mom fainted. I was kinda shocked but the next thing I knew, ang izuan called bf and told him that kak zelah's mom passed away at her workplace due to heart attack. See how fast a person can dissappear from your life? The sad thing was, none of the family members were there to see her go, none of the family members managed to be at her side when she go. Saddening. I feel it, I feel the pain and sadness. It's never easy...never. :(

Kak zelah, I hope you stays strong and live your life normally. I hope you would understand that this is part and parcel of life. I know it's hard..very very hard.. but god loves her more. Stand up and be strong okay...a person gotta go when the time has come. As a good daughter, sedekah your mom with al-fatihah. Semoga allah mencucuri roh ibu mu dan semoga ibu mu ditempatkan bersama orang orang yang beriman...Amin...

Today was so-so. I walked to school with Lina. =_____________= She texted me early in the morning asking me to walk with her. Actually, I don't want. I prefer to walk alone and listen to my mp4. But nevermind, kesian dier. And oh, Lina is my classmate. The first time I saw her, I thought she was a cool and laid back person. But I was wrong. She gets irritating by the day and I don't like here. I have no choice but to pretend that I like her. She utterly irritating with her stories of her and her guy bestfriend. She's spoilt! She wants everything to be her way and she must get what she wants. She over react to simple things and I hate people who does that. It's so not coooooool. She's a bloody cam WHORE. She act as if she's pai kia! wtf?!?!?! zaman da lalu sia. Se brags about her ciggies, about her trying new ciggies and bla bla bla...She pretend to know things when the fact is, she doesn't. She wanna act clever and act as if she knows everything but end up= useless. Oh I hate her so much! I don't like the way she talks. So unglamorous. But I can say tht she's nice. It's just that, I can't click with her. I can't click with a person like her. Never and NO WAY!

So as you can see, my morning was destroyed by her. I managed to minimize myself from talking to her by listening to my mp4 all the way till I reached school. hah!!!! Lab session today was okay. Nothing unusual happened in school. I had chem UT at 4.30pm and it was manageable accept for the last question. But nevermind, I knew I gave my best. :D

Tomorrow's tuesday. I will be mugging with gf izzi right after school. Alright then, I make my move baby! Im sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. gd nite

Today's afternoon was pathetic and saddening, I swear. I woke up as early as 10am and joined lil brother and parents at the living room, watching UP. Very funny, inspiring and soft hearted show. I love it, superb! Afterwhich at 12, I made my way to the school library. I was thinking of not telling rein that I've went out of house because I want to see of he really cares to beep me up first. But me being me, I called him and told him I'm out.  While on my way to school, I texted him if he's going out with me today after I study. He said tht he's going to bras basah with his brother and then after that going over to his yayi house. I never believed it. Never.

With me having pms, I got irritated. Very very irritated. First, Im all alone on SATURDAY. I fcuking dont want to go out with gfs. You know why? because they will start sharing their relationship problems and talk about guys, guys and guys. I swear to god I've heard enough of it and Im in no mood to hear all that. Besides, I want to be happy! I dont want to hear problems and then crack my brain cells and console them. Im sick and tired of it, seriously, Like fcuking TIRED and EXHAUSTED of hearing all that. eeeeeeik! Irritating much! I've never like it when I have to be alone during my pms. I feel so lonely and sad and I couldn't control my emotions. I hate to be lonely. I never like it. Who likes to be sad and lonely. Agree?

I was supposed to mug but I just couldn't focused. I kept on hearing " Just stand up " and " It's alright, It's ok " songs just to calm myself down. But I couldn't because the fights between me and bf doesn't help anything at all. Infact, I went to the toilet, and cry..cry..cry. Imagine, you cry alone inside a toilet wishing that your bf appear infront of you, hug you tight and kiss you on your forehead. Saddening isn't it? I had to cry in silent okay and it's painful, I swear. Once done, I wipe my tears and headed back to the place I sat. I stared at the lappy's screen. My brain's dead because all I could think of was boyfriend. He occupied most of the space in my brain. How to study like that? So I packed up my bag and went home. While on my way home, I play the song "it's alright, it's okay" on a repeat mode. I felt better. I bought lunch at Mc D and brought it home. Once reached, parents were not around. =______________=. Alone, again. I seriously don't want to start thinking about bf so I called mom and asked her where she was. So, I met the family excluding sister. We went to Mustafa Centre. I bought make ups. I loooooooooooooooooove it. woohooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now my savings are as good as $0. =.= That part not good okay. hahas!

So now Im back, home sweet home. Feeling sleepy but at the same time excited because I can use my new make ups 2morrow!! yippeeee. gd night!

I want to be happy, I want to smile. I want to spend the whole day 2morrow laughing and smiling and taking pictures. I want to eat ice cream while enjoying the sand, sea and the sky. I want to get away from the busy city in Singapore and enjoy nature. I want to adore those winds and the sounds of the waves. I want to sit next to you with you cuddling me. I want to venture, with you. I want to have fun. I don't want to talk about school, guys or whatever shit. I just wanna joke. I want you to make me laugh like you've never see me laugh for 100 years already. I don't want to force myself to laugh or smile because I've had enough faking it. I want everything to be real. No lies, nothing. I want to go here, there and everywhere..within a day. yes! I don't want to feel irritated, no I don't. I want to have you right beside me holding my hands and take me to somewhere. I want to spend time together with you romantically. I want to be love, I want to feel love. I want you to accept me for who I am even when I'm at my very worst. I want you to whisper in my ears " i love you " even when Im treating you like my punching bag. I want you to hug me when I've gone mad and scream at you. Sometimes, I yearn for you..for your presence, for your love. I want you to feel proud of me. I want you to treat me like little girl. I want candies and lots lots lots of hugs and kisses. I want to be spoon fed. I want to feel pampered.  I want your attention. I never say being with me is easy because Im not perfect. I want you to ask me out and take me somewhere. I want to be happy, happy and happy. I want to feel contented. I want to do things tht we enjoy.

I'm just a girl, not yet a woman. I wear t-shirts, pants and flip flops and not heels. Sometimes, I feel childish and spoilt. I don't wear thick make-ups. For Im still a girl, not yet a woman. I want to have fun but at the same, I dont want to forget my roots. Sometimes, I make random speech. That's me. Sometimes, Im silly and ignorant. Sometimes, I'm selfish and totally spoilt. Sometimes, I feel like dressing up. I love to chill, by the sea. I smile but I also frown. I laugh but I also cry. Im nice but Im also mean. I understand but sometimes I can't. Im lovely but Im never unpleasant. Sometimes Im happy and sometimes Im sad. I want gym and sutdy partners. Sometimes I need a pair of listening ears and sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. I whine and brag but I also mean what I say. Im fickle minded. I dream and I sleep. I have sweet dreams and I have nightmare. I make uncountable mistakes but Im learning it one step at a time. Sometimes Im emo because im emotional. I'm just human being, just like you are. But Im a girl, you're a boy. That's the difference.

Goodnight.

Losing a mother is never easy. Today, I just witnessed one. My aunt passed away due to cancer. The whole of us attended the "pengebumian". I woke up as early as 8am and then headed to my other aunt's crib. Once reach, I stayed under the void deck first and chilled with the cousins. Awhile later, we were called to go up as we need to kiss the forehead of my late aunt. This part very sad. :(

Once I entered, everyone was in tears. Especially my grandma, cousins, aunt, parents. Late aunt Maria body was laid down, motionless. She look different. :( It's very heart wrenching to see my cousion who lost his beloved mother. Okay, I don't want to continue.

So after everything's done, bought porridge for bf. He's having sore throat. Eating rice must be quite painful for him to swallow. I was on my way to bf's crib when I bumped into bf's mom. She didn't bring along the house key. Bf was soundly sleeping and that means, there is no way for him to open the door for us. haha! So waited for bf's dad to arrive. Once entered, I woke Shahrin up. Surprise! hahaha..chilled there for awhile and then bf's dad send me home via the big lorry bebey. Favourite skaliiiiiiiiii!

Now Im at home, alone. The rest are still at my aunt's crib. Okay, Im tired. Tired of crying..haha! toodles!

Specially for cancer patience.

 The heart is stronger than you think,
It’s like it can go through anything.
And even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though

Sometimes you want to run away, Ain’t got the patience for the pain
And if you don’t believe it look into, your heart the beat goes on

 I’m tellin’ you that,Things get better, Through whatever if you fall, dust it off, don’t let up, don’t you know you can go be your own miracle

 You need to know

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough, But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up, Who are we to be..questioning, wondering what is what
Don’t give up…THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!

It’s like we all have better days
Problems getting all up in your face

 Don’t mean it got to take control, no

 You ain’t gotta find no hiding place

Because the heart can beat the hate

Don’t wanna let your mind keep playin’ you

And sayin’ you can’t go on

 I’m tellin’ you that, Things get better, Through whatever, If you fall, Dust if off, don’t let up

Don’t you know you can go be your own miracle

  You got it in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
You got in now, find it within now
You got in you, find it within
Find it within you, find it within

THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!

Al-fatihah to my beloved aunt. :( Semoga ditempatkan di tempat org2 yg beriman, Amin...... 

 

Hey there. I am selling off Red Vans Shoe. Price= $37. Only worn 3 times. If you're interested, do tag me. Thanks!

Men size= 7, Women size= 8.5