Today is gloomy and dull. I felt guilty for not tagging along to break fast over at granny's place. I am not in a mood to be expose. I wanted to follow but to think of it again, I need my own space and I really need to be alone right now. I had mee maggie for break fast and a glass of orange juice.

The tv is on now but I'm not watching it. I just want to make the surrounding lively, hoping that it will inflict some live into me.

Have you ever feel that for once, no one is able to listen to you? Or Have you ever feel that your whole world is tearing apart? Have you ever try to be yourself but you can't? All you do is pretend and masquerade yourself. Have you ever feel that you are so used to be alone and independent and then you start to feel better off without anyone around you? Have you feel that you are useless? Have you ever feel that you mean nothing to your family, friends and boyfriend? Have you ever feel that you want to make things better but it turn out ugly??

I have always listen to people around me. I know that everyone of us need someone to turn to. Not just by saying that you will listen to them but you need to be there for them. Yeaah. I was there for all my friends, mostly ALL. But I find it hard for me to turn to them when I'm in need. I did try but all they say was " ehk..hmmm. ok ok " or worst, they listened to you and then, they changed topic and talked about their problem, leaving mine unattended. As for that, I never turn to them. From that day onwards, I feel half hearted to talked on the phone with friends whenever they call me. It's because I am sick and tired of hearing their problems when they didn't try to listen to me. Where's their sense of appreciation? I don't know. It's not that I am trying to be " berkire ". I just feel annoyed ok! They always have me when they are in need. But me?? No one.


I envy those girls out there. They have everything that I do not have. They are pretty, nice legs, nice skin, nice body figure, nice smile and more. They look GIRL and FEMININE. Unlike me. I want to be just like them, like any other girls who look feminine. urrrgh!! I can't! I look weird with dresses and I just can't look feminine. I am just too sporty and all I'm good at is SPORTS, CLIMB LIKE A MONKEY. I feel useless okaay!! I may look fine outside but im crying inside!!! No one knows what's it's like to be ME, SYAHIRAH!! You girls may be jealous of me for any reasons but I am jealous of you girls out there. You have all what it takes to be a girl! Use what you have and put it in your life. Don't get jealous at me because I can give good advise to you. You may think that my life is perfect but it's not. I have to deal with so many things that NONE of you out there know. Not even my family. It's like I am standing on my own!! Baaaaaaahhh!!! Sobx Sobx.. I feel useless. I hate myself. Do you know how it feels to stand at your own feet without NO ONE supporting you or encouraging you?? It feels like a ROTTEN EGG. I feel that way!!!


" B, it's not that no one could understand you. It's YOU who couldn't understand yourself ". Is it? Then why NONE of you help me to understand myself??? I can't understand myself??? That is the repeated phrases I heard from bf whenever I said that no one could understand me. If it's true that I can't understand myself, why not help me and stop adding salt to my wound???